Saturday, August 30, 2008
The past couple of weeks have been difficult for my family...and very much so for me. A neighbor and friend (like a son to me) was in a terrible biking accident and was badly injured. That fact that this happened while I was happily knitting (and, of course, didn't know about it until I got home very late)...for some reason...made everything squeeze together like a large vise on my heart. (With many answered prayers, this boy is now home from the hospital and starting his recovery). This entire experience gave me a wake up call on how precious life is and how truly, truly lucky I am with the life I have.
When I was a young girl, I thought I'd be a nurse to help people when they were sick. Or maybe a nun to help people have hope when things were difficult. Something along those lines....of helping, hoping and bringing joy.
But, things did not happen that way and I found that my "talents" lay elsewhere....say, mathematics and mothering, for instance. Anyway, I'm doing neither nursing nor mathematics these days and have been wondering what my life purpose could possibly be. At 35, I am feeling a bit like I am having a mid-life crisis...wanting to have another baby, trying to scrounge up a career after being a stay at home mom/part time teacher for so long, and thinking...."What the HELL am I here for????"
When all of this "stuff" happened a week or so ago, it was like someone finally cleared off my dirty windshield and many things began coming into focus. All of my aggravations of dirty dishes/laundry, petty squabbles with hubby, and knitting/designing issues started to melt away. I kept thinking, "What if it were Tim or Ben or Ian in that accident????" and feeling how very precious life is...one minute it's there and the next it could be gone.
This feeling immediately drove me to eat (oh, man!!!) and buy yarn (ughh!!!) and books....like I need to do either...all tend to be impulsive things I do when I'm in dire need of comfort. Now that I'm over that (I hope), I've been making a list of everything I am truly, truly grateful for in my life and that's been bringing me comfort.
My two beautiful, sweet and smart sons whose smiles and laughter bring me the greatest joy (and I'm not exaggerating here.)
My home - which I know I always think could be cleaner, neater and less cluttered, but I have to admit is so cozy and lovely and has the nicest of all bathrooms.
The opportunity that I've had to stay at home with both of my boys grow up -something that not every mom is lucky enough to have, but which I tend to take for granted much more than I think I do.
My health - no matter how much I complain about my annoying allergies and weight issues, I am still in good health and am thankful for it.
My loyal, fun and caring friends who, on a daily basis, make me laugh and inspire me with their vibrant personalities.
Contact lenses (I know...silly) - but these things are miracles and, without them, I would not be able to see with 20/20 vision...or close to it.
Books - the ultimate in joy and comfort - all my life I've been a bookworm (check out Good Reads) and that habit has only grown as I've gotten older. Only recently, I bought Jane Brocket's new book, "The Gentle Art of Domesticity" and...oh, is it a wonderful, wonderful read......I can't wait for the end of the day so I can make a cup of tea and snuggle in bed with this book. I'm trying to read it slowly so I won't finish it in one day. Talk about inspiration and comfort!
My hubby, who has literally been with me through good times and bad...and who, on a daily basis, works hard so that we have all of the things we usually take for granted.
Yarn - the textures, the colors, the final knitted items and spinning magical fibers into supernatural handspun yarns....
and, a few smaller (and only slightly less precious things than above) that pop up in my life...
- A day with energetic breezes that whip your hair from your face and make you close your eyes and inhale deeply with pleasure.
- A close-to-overflowing cup of rich, hot chocolate (no powered mixes!) with whipped cream and dark chocolate syrup.
- Laying snugly on a massage table while having someone rub your aching neck, back and feet....oh, heaven.
So now that my list is somewhat complete (there's always room for more!), I feel like I'm creating a fresh outlook on life and viewing my life with new eyes. It's going a little more slowly than I hoped, but taking time to be "present in the present" is hard for me and will take some time to get used to.
It's my goal to release my expectations on finding my purpose in life (at the moment) and, instead, to live each day (or as much as I can) with a kind heart, a loving smile and caring hands that will gladly and willingly help to make someone else happy and full of joy/comfort.
Because, really, that's all that matters to me.
(oh, and Spicy Green Beans with steamed rice and also angora yarn...whoops, did I write that out loud? LOL)